Communicating with Care: 3 Key Tips for Family Caregivers

If you are caring for a loved one with dementia, it may feel at times as though you are struggling to learn an entirely new language just to get a simple point across or keep them connected. That familiar rhythm of conversation that once came so easily is becoming less effective and, frankly, more frustrating.

The need to adjust communication styles is one of the realities of the cognitive decline associated with dementia that can be difficult for families to understand, let alone embrace. However, learning to do so will enable a more productive and loving conversation flow, which will help maintain healthier relationships while continuing to honor the loved one’s dignity.

Below are three key tips for more caring, productive communication:

1. Refrain from testing their memory. While it is natural fall into a pattern of “quizzing” a loved one, with the hope to spark recall, it will only create frustration for both of you. It’s important to understand that it is brain degeneration which has blocked their ability to recall events and even the names of people they know well.
   Instead of testing: “Dad, do you remember who this is?” or “Tell me, what did you just have for lunch?”.
   Try a gentle reminder: “Mom, here’s our friend, Mary” or “Wasn’t that sandwich we had for lunch good?”
2. Resist argumentative responses. It’s understandable to become frustrated when your loved one insists that they are right when they are not. Anosognosia, unlike stubborn denial, occurs due to brain damage from dementia and the impairment of self-awareness. That is why, even though their comments or recollections are clearly not correct, no amount of arguing can convince them. This is a time to put aside your need to “be right” and honor their interpretation of events or recollections.
   Instead of scolding: “You’re wrong.”  Or “What? That didn’t happen.”
   Try honoring their recollection: “That’s interesting, dad.” Or “Thanks for telling me that, mom.”
3. Avoid dismissive language. The role reversal that occurs as a loved one’s cognitive impairment increases can cause family caregivers to slip into a habit of talking down to them as they would a child. Remind yourself that your loved one is not a child. He or she is an adult experiencing a degenerative brain disease. This may help you to use adult language that respects their status in the family.
   Instead of saying: “Calm down, mom!” Or “Come on, it’s not that difficult.”
   Try saying this: “It’s okay, mom. Let’s take a break.” Or “That’s tricky, dad, can I help?”

In addition to using your words more effectively, here are few more things to remember about your conversations:

• Keep them simple: Use short, clear sentences to make conversation easier.
• Be patient: Give them time to think and respond. Try not to rush or interrupt.
• Use visual cues: Photos or familiar items can help spark memories and conversation.
• Create a supportive environment: Make sure they can see, hear, and feel comfortable before you begin a conversation.

Developing new communication tactics isn’t easy. And don’t expect it to happen overnight. Be patient with your loved one and with yourself. Make it a point to share your insights and tactics with family and close friends so that they, too, can experience the benefits. 

By building a new strategy to replace old communication patterns with new ones, you and your family can create more meaningful interactions, reduce frustration, and help your loved one engage and respond in the best way possible.

Remember, too, that you are not alone in your caregiver journey. Feel free to reach out to any of our Anthem Memory Care communities for more information or just to share your challenges with us. You are invited to attend one of our dementia support groups, led by licensed professionals, which bring family caregivers together to share their own challenges. And we will be happy to provide additional resources to help you navigate today’s challenges and those which lie ahead.