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“Anger is an emotional response to a grievance, real or imaginary, in the past, present or future. The pain of anger is very real. If we don’t know how to relieve it the right way, we will react to it in ways that make things worse instead of better.”  - Mitchell Messer, “Pressure Points — Alzheimer’s and Anger”

Caregiver anger is both real and justified.

If you are caring for an individual with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia, anger is a constant companion. You become angry when your mom or dad lashes out at you, either verbally or physically. You become angry when he or she ignores you or doesn’t remember something you said an hour ago. And, sometimes, the source of your anger is hard to define. For it may come wrapped in a blanket of hurt, despair and even fear.

First, take a deep breath and know that you are not alone. Your anger is real and justified. You are dealing with issues that lie outside the bounds of normal day to day concerns. And you are not a trained nurse or therapist.

Accept your anger and find ways to release it.

Here are some tips for learning how to deal with caregiver anger and how to keep a steady grip on your own emotional health in the process.

  1. Don’t deny your anger. You are entitled to feel anger. In an article written by Angela Lunde, a dementia education specialist with the Mayo Clinic, she writes “You, as caregivers, have every right to feel all of your emotions and let them out. You’re entitled to bad days — no judgment or apology necessary.”
  2. Find ways to vent. There are several ways to vent your anger, from writing down your anger in a journal, to punching your pillow, to sharing your anger with other caregivers who can empathize.  All methods have their benefits. Many find that the more they share their anger with others, the more it helps remove some of the burden of suffering alone.
  3. Educate yourself. The more you learn about this life changing illness, the better you are able to understand what is happening behind the alienating behavior a loved one exhibits. While no amount of knowledge can vanquish anger altogether, it can help as you struggle to put your anger in perspective.
  4. Ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for professional help. Most caregivers find great relief in meeting regularly with a therapist or church clergy member. Dementia support groups are also a good source for exploring new ways of coping with anger. And, remember, by helping others with their anger, you can help put your own in perspective.

You can’t go it alone. Let others help.

The most important thing is not to keep your anger bottled up inside. Seek out those who can help you channel your caregiver anger in a way that helps you maintain your emotional and physical health. And, when family and close friends offer to help out, let them! Not only will this relieve some of your stress, you will be opening an important channel for ongoing help and support.

Anthem Memory Care communities provide monthly dementia support groups as well as respite “short-term” care for your loved one, when you need a break or need to take care of personal business. Let us know how we can help.

Every Wednesday, at Highline Place Memory Care in Littleton, Colorado, a group of school children visit from nearby Saddle Ranch Elementary School. Together with the residents, they work on crafts while they share lots of smiles and laughter. Isn’t it amazing how a child can bring a smile to a senior’s face, often when no one else can?

Clearly, these visits bring benefits for both young and old. A recent article, written by Esther Heerema, MSW, for verywell.com, cites ongoing studies that connect social interaction between adults with Alzheimer’s disease and children to positive results.

Here are three of their findings we found interesting:

The benefits are clear to everyone who has ever witnessed these get-togethers. That’s why our Anthem Memory Care communities, such as Highline Place, provide ample opportunities for residents to interact with school children. In many cases, long lasting friendships are formed between the residents and the children. In fact, several of our communities report that children continue to visit their resident “friends” even after they leave elementary school.

And, these benefits are not lost on the families of residents, who regularly report hearing the sound of children and laughter when they pass through the lobby doors. By all accounts, the residents look forward to the visits as much as the children do.

If you have a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, make sure you take advantage of every opportunity to bring younger family members, friends and neighborhood children in to visit on a regular basis. You will find, as we do, the benefits are well worth the effort.

You may also like to find out more about Anthem’s Respite Care programs, which provide short-term stays, ranging from a week to a month, for your loved one at one of our communities. Here they can experience, first hand, plenty of smiles and laughter from the school children who come to visit.

For some, the change is gradual. For others, it seems to happen overnight. Yet, either way, you find yourself in unchartered territory. Your mom or dad now turns to you for decisions he or she used to make routinely. They rely upon you to help them walk, bathe, dress and eat. Your roles are reversing. And it’s an unfamiliar, uncomfortable place to be.

For adult children of individuals with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, the transition can be even more daunting, as a loved one’s memory fails and confusion sets in.

It’s a role none of us would chose for ourselves. Yet it’s an inevitable one for so many of us. You are now caregiver for your parent. While you may have already made the transition outwardly, it’s time to make the transition emotionally. Keeping the following thoughts in mind as you go forward, will make it easier; for both of you.

Accept your new reality. It is normal to resist this new relationship. And normal to feed your own denial. Yet the sooner you accept the fact that your parent needs your help, the easier it will be to provide it for them. This transition requires you to stretch the boundaries of your comfort zone. So accept that there will be discomfort. You will make mistakes, so don’t expect perfection; from either of you. This is one of the most challenging transitions we, as childen, have to make. Lower the bar a bit.

Think “team”, not “parent-child”. Keep in mind that your parent doesn’t want his or her new role any more than you do. Asking for your help stretches their comfort zone as well as yours. Tell yourself and your parent that you are “both in this together”. Resist the impulse to treat your parent as a child, especially when they are unable to complete a simple task or remember something. As a team, you can support one another. And, you will begin forming a new relationship; one that is less encumbered by your past roles.

Seek humor, wherever you can find it. What did you used to do that made you both laugh? There may be memories you can still reach together. Try to infuse your days with opportunities to share laughter. And, yes, humor can be found even when things go wrong. But you have to work at finding it.

Accept help. No one can provide quality caregiving without help. When family and friends offer to help, accept their help. Develop a support network. People feel good about helping. Let them. Consider a short term, respite stay at a local memory care community. That will give both you and your parent a change of pace and some time to re-charge.

Above all, talk to your parent. Even if he or she has a hard time understanding. Tell them, “I know how hard this for you. It’s hard for me too. I’ll make mistakes along the way. I won’t be perfect. But I’ll always try to do what is best for you.”

Remember that, by reassuring your parent, you are reassuring yourself.

Had Chelsea Place not been the kind of memory care community whose staff takes an authentic interest in the life history of each resident, Sandra Diskin's graceful hands and pointed toes might have gone unnoticed, during her physical therapy sessions. But, notice they did. So, instead of hand cycling and leg lifts, Sandra, an 80-year old memory care resident, now helps conduct a ballet barre class for other residents, like her, who are attracted to the graceful movements of ballet. In a recent interview with the Denver Post, Ms. Diskin explained her love of ballet, “I have been a dancer my entire life, I like to think. Ever since I was a child.”

And, as it turns out, Sandra is, indeed, a classically trained ballerina and modern dancer, according to Jenni Dill, Life Engagement Director for Chelsea Place Memory Care. After college, Sandra even joined a dance troupe in New York. It was there that she met her husband, in a touring company of Broadway musical “Annie Get Your Gun.” What a great story!

The truth is that there are many residents in memory care communities who, like Sandra, have rich, vibrant past lives that, in too many cases, go untapped. That may be because there is an ongoing perception that those struggling with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia have lost the ability to remember anything at all. Yet, the more we learn about Alzheimer’s and dementia, the more we are finding that many individuals with these disabilities can, in fact, be re-connected to things they enjoyed doing in the past.

For residents at Chelsea Place, these discoveries are not uncommon. “It’s really important to us to find out something personal that connects to each person when they’re doing their treatment sessions,” said Jenni. “For Sandy, they could take her in the therapy office and have her do the hand cycle or do leg lifts, but none of that really appealed to her. However, she’ll do barre class all day long, and happily.”

Sandra’s barre sessions have gotten attention from other residents. And, according to Jenni Dill, many now prefer Sandy’s class to the more traditional therapy techniques. “It draws everyone together, they get excited about trying something new because they love to learn, especially about other people in their community. They know we’re honoring each other’s history and celebrating them together.”

Kudos to the entire team at Chelsea Place and their dedication to treating each resident as the unique individuals they are. By continuing to tap into each individual’s passions and talents from their past, they are able to help residents and their families better connect to each other and spend happier moments together.

You can learn more about the programs and the people at Chelsea Place Memory care here. Or, visit Anthem Memory Care’s community pages to find a community near you.

It’s hard to talk to parents about their finances. They are, after all, of a generation where any discussion about finances, especially with their children, was pretty much off the table.

Having a parent who has been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, however, changes everything. You need to gain a quick and accurate understanding of the state of their finances. Waiting too long can result in unwelcome surprises downstream as bills pile up and care options become limited.

If you are in this challenging situation, first know that you are not alone. We talk with many adult children who agonize over discussing finances with a parent. They may want to bring up the topic, yet are fearful of upsetting an already delicate emotional balance.

We’re here to help. Below are some important steps you will need to take to properly organize and take charge of your parent’s financials.

While your parent’s cognition level is still normal or near-normal:

  1. Make a list of the things you need to know. The more prepared you are in advance, the less likely you will stray into areas that may cause unnecessary anxiety for both of you.
  2. Schedule your talk at a time and place where you will not be interrupted.
  3. Keep the first discussion simple. Don’t bombard him or her with demands. Start by asking for help in making sure that you have access to all documents, in the event of an emergency.
  4. Review all the documents before meeting again. Take time to discuss them with other family members and/or a financial advisor.
  5. Share your information and provide options, if possible. It’s important for your mom or dad to build trust in your ability to make decisions. Your approach should be loving and calm.
  6. Create an action list for follow up. This is just as important as having that initial discussion. Don’t drop the ball. Involve other willing family members. Ideally, these should be joint decisions.

When your parent’s cognition has declined and he or she cannot attend to their own affairs:

  1. Gain Power of Attorney. This will require working with an Elder Law attorney and your parent to properly designate yourself to make financial decisions on behalf of him or her. The attorney can also help ensure that any stipulations in your parent’s living will are addressed and any state-specific regulations met.
  2. Complete all HIPAA forms, as required by health care providers and insurance agencies.
  3. Make sure you have legal access to your parent’s bank accounts and safe deposit boxes.

Of course, the sooner you tackle these last three items, the better. When a parent develops dementia or Alzheimer’s, they will eventually need to pass all control over to a family member. Doing so early on will make things easier downstream.

Taking control of a parent’s finances is tough, to say the least. But, with advance planning and a loving, respectful approach, you will be in a position to make the best possible financial decisions on your mom’s or dad’s behalf.

Have some questions? Feel free to contact an Anthem community near you. We’re here to listen and provide you with local resources to make the road ahead easier. 

As sympathetic to others as we all try to be, it's very difficult to imagine the world through the eyes of an individual suffering from dementia. But it’s not “virtually” impossible.

Anthem Memory Care’s Morningside Place, in Overland Park, Kansas, uses virtual reality tools that work together to mimic what an individual with dementia deals with every day. The “Virtual Dementia Tour” provides just a taste of what being locked in the debilitating world of dementia might feel like.

So, when the Overland Park Police sought a way to build greater sensitivity and awareness when dealing with individuals with dementia, they turned to Morningside Place for help.

“With Alzheimer’s soaring, first responders will be coming into ever more contact with people with the disease,” said Peggy Hackett, executive director of Morningside Place, in a recent interview with the Kansas City Star, who was on hand to cover the Police Virtual Dementia Tour. You can see the video here.

For the officers participating in the tour, the experience was eye opening. Wearing glasses to blur vision, thick gloves to impede finger movement, shoe inserts to hinder walking, and earphones emitting a stream of discordant sounds and voices, they entered the world of dementia with a resounding crash.

Each participant was instructed to conduct simple tasks, such as filling a glass of water from the sink, putting on a sweater and folding towels. But they quickly found how just how difficult “simple” tasks can be.

Police Officer, Debra Guieb, reported forgetting what she was supposed to do immediately after receiving the instructions. Detective, Keith Hruska, struggled even to pour water into a glass. Both remarked how helpful this kind of exercise was to help them better understand the overwhelming challenges of living with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.

While medical researchers are learning more about dementia and Alzheimer’s every day, there remains much we do not know, and much we cannot understand. Because, unlike other diseases in which patients can explain their symptoms, those impaired with dementia are not always able to explain to us what their world looks and feels like. So programs, such as The Virtual Dementia Tour, are great ways to connect us to a tiny corner of this relentless, debilitating disease.

And, for Overland Park Police, the benefits are tangible. As Officer, Debra Guib, remarked to the Kansas City Star, “I think it’s important that the community and sufferers and their families know that we care.”

Programs like the Virtual Dementia Tour will certainly help them to do just that.

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You know more about non-verbal communication than you think. How often have you gotten a “vibe” from a friend or relative that makes you doubt they really meant what they just said? Maybe it is just a look on someone’s face, or their folded arms or hunched shoulders. They are making an emotional statement that, while not verbalized, is just as real as if it had been.

We instinctively read and react to non-verbal cues every day. When a loved one struggles with Alzheimer’s disease, your ability to interpret their cues and adjust your own communication style accordingly can make the difference between a good day and a bad one --- for both of you.

Here is a list of four key non-verbal communication touch points along with some thoughts on adjusting your own behavior to create a more positive connection with your loved one:

  1. Facial expression: Is their expression flat and disinterested? If so, they may not be emotionally connected to those around them and, therefore, less responsive to you. Everyone is different, so make note of how long they remain disconnected and what kinds of things help them to re-connect. Possibly a warm word and a touch of the fingers can bring them to a place where you are more able to communicate and engage with them.
  2. Body posture: Are they rigid or relaxed? The positioning of the body speaks volumes about receptivity. When a loved one’s posture is tense, that is your cue to take things slowly. A sudden movement, like pulling on their arm or attempting to get them to stand up could be met with resistance, or even anger. Take notice of the atmosphere. Make note of loud noises surrounding them, or other external stimuli that might be adding to their level of tension.
  3. Gestures: Are they saying “yes” but shaking their head “no”? Gestures can speak louder than words and need to be taken seriously, especially negative gestures such as banging a hand against a table or shaking a fist. That’s a clear sign that it’s time to slow your pace and calmly help your loved one find a more relaxed state. It is not a time to give commands or try to reason with them. Learn what calming methods work with your loved one and when to use them.
  4. Touch: This is a hidden treasure of communicating with a loved one with Alzheimer’s. The sense of touch can quickly have a calming effect. But grasping an arm or squeezing can just as quickly, cause anxiety and fear. A blog from the Alzheimer’s Reading Room noted the simple effectiveness of a slowly outstretched hand, held palm-up for twenty seconds, and the soothing effect that had over an individual with Alzheimer’s.

Of course, it is one thing to read a visual cue. It’s another to have the self-control to modify your own actions accordingly. Is your loved one’s posture and facial expression relaxed? This may be a good time to interact in a more meaningful way, such as sharing important information or discussing an upcoming doctor visit. Consequently, if they seem tense or combative, you’ll need to respect their emotional state and back off. Don’t push your needs ahead of theirs. Adjusting your behavior based on the cues you observe will help you make optimum use of those good moments and reduce the occurrence of angry exchanges.

Don’t neglect your own emotional health.

It’s important to take care of yourself emotionally in order to properly care for your loved one. Just as you are able to read your loved one’s non-verbal cues; they may be reading yours as well. When you are tired or frustrated, it can show. Make sure you are taking occasional respite days, and keep appointments for outings with friends. Better yet, join a local support group where you can share your ups and downs with other caregivers. Anthem Memory Care communities host monthly support groups. You can find out more about our communities here.

For so many women and men of a “certain age”, Valentine’s Day was once a special day to buy flowers or candy for your sweetheart and celebrate with a romantic dinner. And, for those with energy to spare, it may have even included a turn or two on the dance floor. While they may no longer be able to “shake a leg” with quite the vigor they once enjoyed, that didn’t stop the residents and staff at Vineyard Place Memory Care in Murrieta, California from celebrating.

Organized by Life Engagement Director, Cody Kohlhagen, the doors opened at 10:00 a.m. as local high school students streamed in for Vineyard Place’s multi-generational event entitled “Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls – Let’s Dance!” And dance they did. “At any give time we had ten to twenty people on the dance floor,” said Cody Kohlhagen. “We had boys and girls from Murrieta Canyon Academy and High School; and, I have to say, they were dressed to impress,” he added.

This was truly a community affair, with music flowing courtesy of Executive Director, Eve Mailly, playing along with the other members of her trio “Zene Strings”. The tunes were multi-generational as well, mixing in contemporary numbers with oldies favorites.

This is not the first (and by no means the last) multi-generational event to occur at Vineyard Place. “We are always looking for opportunities to bring generations together,” says Cody. “It is amazing to see how the room lights up when young people get together with our residents. Relationships are built at these events. Everybody leaves with a smile on their face,” he adds.

Finally, as the last valentine cookie was polished off, everyone said their “goodbyes” with plenty of promises by the students to visit again. “And they will be back,” says Cody. “They get as much out of these relationships as our residents do.”

You can learn more about Vineyard Place Memory Care and it's many programs for individuals with Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia here. 

We hear regularly from families of loved ones with Alzheimer’s disease who tell us that the words of a favorite quote, poem or scripture are what get them through those tough days when they feel helpless and, often, hopeless.

We took some time to scour a variety of sources and found what we think are some beautiful words of wisdom. We hope they are helpful to you as well. Feel free to pass this along to a friend or family member who could use some encouragement too.

“Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people brings happiness.”
 -Rabbi Harold Kushner

“Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know possible.”
― Tia Walker, from The Inspired Caregiver: Finding Joy While Caring for Those You Love

“Embracing a healing presence requires you to just be in the moment together.” 
― Nancy L. Kriseman, from The Mindful Caregiver: Finding Ease in the Caregiving Journey

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.”
— Emory Austin

“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.”
- Margaret Mead

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only robs today of its joy.”
— Leo Buscaglia, author, professor, motivational speaker

"When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment."
–Source Unknown

“Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”
– Maya Angelou

“From caring comes courage.”
– Lao Tzu

“No matter what the relationship was between the parent and child—whatever it was—this is going to be extremely challenging because it is not logical. There’s no way to deal with it rationally or directly. You don’t reason it out. What I’ve said to so many people is: we always must lead with our love.”

― Dr. Stephen Hoag, in an interview with Alzheimers.net about A Son’s Handbook: Bringing Up Mom with Alzheimer’s/Dementia

"Impossible situations can become possible miracles."
–Robert H. Schuller

As helpful as positive words can be, nothing can replace getting support from other caregivers and professionals who understand your world and your worries. If you haven’t already done so, consider attending a dementia support group in your area. Anthem Memory Care communities provide free monthly meetings. You can visit our Community pages for one near you.

Relatives of loved ones with Alzheimer’s often ask us, “What else can we do to help?” In addition to providing emotional support, consider putting a couple of the items below on your shopping list. These are aids developed specifically for individuals with Alzheimer’s disease. They can help with every day challenges, as well as bolster emotional well being for your loved one.

Practical:

  1. Digital clocks and calendars: Come with large, easy to read, numbers and letters. Look for ones that are LED back lit for optimum viewing.
  2. One touch radios: Can be programmed to favorite stations, with single touch operation.
  3. Easy to use TV remote: Programmed to enable one touch on/off and easy toggle to favorite stations.
  4. Memory picture phones: Include photos of loved ones next to their corresponding phone numbers.

Safety for “in-home” care or visits home:

  1. GPS trackers: Typically sold in the form of a pendant or watch. These enable tracking of a loved one who may be prone to wandering. But make sure they wear it!
  2. Door alarm monitors: Positioned to trigger an alarm when the door is opened.
  3. Appliance power monitors: Alert caregivers when appliances are turned on and/or left turned on for a period of time.

Emotional support and comfort:

  1. Soft blankets, robes and apparel: Materials such as chenille and combed cotton are pleasing to the touch which can help reduce anxiety.
  2. Stuffed animals: Soft to the touch and pleasing to the eye, a stuffed animal can help with depression and anxiety.

Activity:

  1. Activity boards and rolls: Designed to give fidgeting hands an outlet. Be sure to select items that are crafted for adults.
  2. Art balls: Designed with bright colors, they can be twisted into interesting shapes. They provide an eye-pleasing way to release restless energy.
  3. Memory card games: Designed for everyone to win, these games serve primarily as a fun way to help stimulate and explore past memories. No wrong answers!

These items will help make your loved one’s life (and, in many cases, yours) easier. All of the above items are easily found on the internet. Take some time to explore and price compare. Be sure to repeat your search every so often. As research and technology continue to advance, you can expect to see more innovative products come into the marketplace.

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What is the best environment for your loved one with Alzheimer’s disease? Is it home? Is it in a memory care community? This is a tough decision, because it’s in our nature to keep our aging parent or other loved one at home for as long as possible. But how long is “too long”? And how do we keep our own feelings from clouding our thinking?

Below is a brief overview of some things to consider with both in-home care and memory care community options. The more you know, the better prepared you and your family will be able to make decisions.

In-home care:

Most seniors prefer to remain in the home they have lived in for decades. And who can blame them! They can stay in an environment familiar to them. And for you, there is no need to worry about the potential disruption of moving them out.  In fact, this may be an ideal arrangement in the early phases of Alzheimer’s. Here are some things, however, to take into consideration for in-home care.

  1. Safety: For a loved one with Alzheimer’s, as the disease progresses, home is no longer the “safe haven” it once was. Kitchens, bathrooms and every day appliances, once so familiar to them, can pose real dangers. You will want to retrofit the home to keep it as safe as possible. The good news is that there are products available to help keep your loved one safe. You can find most of them online.
     
  2. Round-the-clock care: As your loved one’s Alzheimer’s progresses, you’ll need to hire caregivers who are experienced with the disease. Remember, Alzheimer’s is not just a case of “mom getting old and forgetful”. It is a disease, which brings with it symptoms and manifestations that require 24/7 attention by a trained caregiver.
     
  3. Wandering: You will need to put safeguards in place to minimize the risk of “wandering”, a common symptom of the disease. Should your loved one, for any reason, manage to walk out the front door, they are at a high risk to lose their way and suffer physical and emotional trauma.
     
  4. Socialization: By socialization, we are referring to regular, organized contact with other people, preferable on a daily basis. What this does is to help keep the individual’s ability to respond and communicate for as long as possible. You will want to arrange opportunities for your loved one to get out among people; preferably those who understand their unique situation and can be supportive.

Memory care communities:

This is a care model that is growing in popularity. Memory care communities are unique from “assisted living” communities in that they are focused on providing care for Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. Safety, 24/7 experienced care and socialization are “built into” this environment by design. Here are some things to consider, however, before placing your loved one in memory care.

  1. 100% dedication to memory care: There are many assisted living communities that have added an area supposedly “dedicated” to memory care. This may not be an ideal arrangement in that your loved one may be cared for by individuals who are not highly trained in Alzheimer’s disease. Focus your search on those truly dedicated to memory care.
     
  2. Experience and training: As mentioned earlier, Alzheimer’s is a disease that requires the support of a skilled and highly-trained team. Ask about their standards, credentials and how up-to-date their training methods are. You are paying for this. Be vigilant.
     
  3. “Person-centered” care: This represents a high level of care that goes beyond traditional methods, respecting each individual and his or her unique qualities and preferences. Ask the executive director to explain their care philosophy.
     
  4. Environment: The building should be spacious and open with plenty of natural light. Don’t fall for the excuse that those dark hallways and old furniture are “home like”. It may be an excuse not to update their building and furnishings. Seek out communities that have been designed, from bottom up, for memory care. They do exist.
     
  5. Services and Amenities: Ask for specifics! Not all communities are the same. Many have hidden costs that you may not be aware of until you receive the bill.
     
  6. Continuing Care: Some memory care communities will no longer keep residents when their disease progresses past a certain point. Be sure to ask if the community provides “continuing care”. That means your loved one will be kept in familiar surroundings, throughout all phases of the disease.

Of course, there are many other things to consider, such as costs and insurance. That’s why it is important to speak with your family and your healthcare provider. And conduct your own research. Your loved one’s environment, and how it is managed, can have a major impact on their quality of life.

Anthem Memory Care has communities in several states. We'll be happy to answer your questions and provide a tour of a community near you. 

If you have a loved one who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, you may feel that your world, as you’ve known it, is falling apart. It is hard enough news for you to digest, let alone other family members. How to tell them? How will they react? And how will you handle their reactions?

Without question, the process of sharing difficult news like this is stressful. However, once you do so, your family and close friends will be more aware and, therefore, better able to help support you, especially in these early days. So it’s best to take a deep breath and begin. And we're here to help.

For those closest to you, if possible, arrange a visit in person. It will be less stressful for both of you. Not only will it be easier to communicate, you will feel more emotionally supported with that warm touch or hug that you probably could use right now. Of course, whether in person or in a phone call, pick a time when you are both less likely to be rushing off to work, school, or getting dinner ready.

Once you have their attention, here are some suggestions that we have found useful for others who express the same feelings and concerns. They are taken from our experience, and have also been recommended by the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America (AFA).

As you share this news, keep in mind that reactions may range from soft, steady words of reassurance to complete shock and disbelief. Be prepared and be patient. Remember how you felt when you first heard the news. Most will come around and be supportive.

No one can fully prepare for a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. But by sharing the news with family and close friends you will find yourself better able to cope with it yourself.

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When you suspect that your loved one may be in the early stages of dementia, such as Alzheimer’s disease, the very thought of the road ahead can be overwhelming.

If you are like many, your first step might be to reach out for resources and arm yourself with as much information as possible. That’s a good place to start. And, we have some tips to help you.

But the time comes when you know you need to approach your loved one. Because, at this point, your goal is to get him or her to the doctor for a professional assessment. That means sitting down for a candid talk.

Here are three tips to make achieving your goal easier. They are based upon our experience as well as recommendations from the Alzheimer’s Association, the Alzheimer’s Society and the National Institute of Health.

  1. Ask your loved one how he or she feels. Find a time when you are both relaxed and you have time. Don’t rush this conversation. Refrain from using authoritative phrases such as “I think you need to...” or “You’re forgetting things”. And there is no need to mention Alzheimer’s or dementia at this point. Instead use phrases such as “I thought I noticed that you were having a hard time remembering…”. Then, cap off each statement with “What do you think?” And stop to listen. You may find that he or she is relieved to be able to talk about their memory lapses. Or, of course, they may deny it altogether. Be gentle and patient if this happens. But don’t give up.
     
  2. Discuss setting up a doctor appointment for a check-up. Once you have broached the subject, your next step is to get your loved one to agree to see the doctor. One of the best ways to achieve this is by suggesting a simple “check-up”.  Doing so shifts the conversation back to a neutral point, pushing opinions and emotions off to one side. (After all, only the doctor has the answers.) Try a soft approach such as “Dad, let’s set an appointment for a check-up. It may turn out that you only need a medication adjustment, or have a vitamin deficiency.” This lessens the threat and shifts them towards a routine they are familiar with; a check-up. However, if your loved one continues to refuse, you will need to contact the doctor on your own. In that case, you can ask their office to call your loved one to schedule a check-up. That may just give you the extra professional “boost” you need.
     
  3. Speak with the doctor in advance about your concerns. Be sure to schedule a short call with the doctor in advance of the appointment. Make your concerns very clear. Share the most troubling instances of memory lapse with him or her. Be prepared with notes you’ve taken and have a list of their medications handy, in case they ask.

We know how stressful navigating through these waters can be! Make sure, through all of your efforts, that you are taking care of yourself. Don’t go it alone. Find a local support group. (Anthem Memory Care communities offer free monthly support groups.) Reach out to those individuals in your life whom you can trust and who can help you in your efforts to make the right decisions for your loved one.

Above all, when friends and families ask “What can I do to help?”, let them help!

Perhaps it’s your mom, dad or other loved one who has begun forgetting some of the basics --- how to operate the coffee maker, where they keep the cereal bowls, or even how to get to the store. Or perhaps he or she has become more confused lately, asking the same questions over and over again. Regardless, you’re getting worried. Could it be Alzheimer’s? It’s hard to know what to do next.

First take a deep breath. Resist the temptation to jump to conclusions.

For one thing, your loved one may not have Alzheimer’s disease. Chronic illnesses, depression and medications can cause confusion, fuzzy thinking, and lapses in memory. Don’t assume what you don’t yet know. And don’t impulsively confront your loved one with your worried concerns. Not yet.

Before you sit down to have that conversation with your loved one about his or her memory impairment, you have some work to do. Here is a short list of things that you will need to have on hand, not only to make that conversation easier, but for any discussions downstream you may have with your family and/or doctors.

Begin with knowledge and facts on your side.

Taking the actions on this list will help arm you for your discussions with your loved one, your family, and physicians. And the greater sense of control this gives you will, believe it or not, have a calming effect on you going forward.

Of course, nothing can truly prepare us for something as daunting as an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. But if and when one is given to your loved one, by preparing in advance you will, at the very least, have your feet on a more solid foundation.

The days leading up to New Year’s Day are a good time to reflect on the year passing and think about some goals for the upcoming year. Yes, we all laugh at New Year’s resolutions, mainly because we know how hard they can be to keep. But a new year also marks a chance for a new beginning. And if you are a caregiver for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease, you could probably use a new beginning.

We selected 10 of what we think are the very best New Year’s resolutions, taken from a variety of sources. We hope that there are a few that you can use.

  1. Perform one random act of kindness for a fellow caregiver. (From Alzheimer’s Music Connect)
  2. Thank yourself in case no one else does. Even if they don’t say it out loud, they are thinking it and know how fortunate they are to have you caring for them. (From Senior Corner)
  3. Start a “Monday Me Time” for yourself: Use each Monday to remind you of “what have I done for me lately?” Whether it is 5 minutes or 5 hours – it does not matter.  Check in with yourself every Monday and take time for you. (From Alzheimer’s Association)
  4. Get into an exercise program. Set goals and find a workout “buddy”. (From Assisting Hands)
  5. Resolve to grow your circle of care. Too often, caregiving responsibilities fall disproportionately on the shoulders of one member of the family. As the new year begins, try to bring other family members into your circle of care. Ask them for help. Share your experience with them. (From Caring Kind)
  6. Use a local respite program to give yourself a break. (From Daily Caring)
  7. When you feel that you are imperfect, you will remember that guilt is not an option, as long as you know you did the best you could with the knowledge you had. (From AgingCare)
  8. Attend a regular caregiver’s support group in your area. (From Alzheimer’s Universe)
  9. Take care of your spiritual health. Feed your inner self through meditation, prayer, silence, reading, the arts, or in other ways you consider true. Seek wise and professional council if needed. (From Maria Shriver)
  10. Create an opportunity for reconnection to your loved one by viewing family photos, listening to their musical favorites or sharing a dance together. (From Alzheimer’s Music Connect)

We’ll close with one more thought from Alzheimer’s Universe. “The most important thing to remember this year when setting a New Year’s resolution is to consider how you can improve your life overall while continuing to provide the best possible care to your loved one. “

We couldn’t have said it better.

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